The Big AHA!

Today I was speaking with a friend of mine (call her Meg). A couple of weeks ago she was telling me about a problem she was having with her main support staff person. This support person would ask her about her personal life and then make subtle, judgmental disparaging comments.

Meg wanted to keep her support person happy since her own work lives and dies at this woman’s mercy, but she was becoming very upset at the increasingly hurtful situation. She was reaching the end of her rope, and asked me for advice.

After talking through a wide variety of options, I finally suggested that the next time it happened, she say something like, “I know you probably don’t realize this, but when you say things like that it hurts my feelings.” Meg listened to what I had to say and said she appreciated it, and that was the end of it.

A couple of weeks later she called to tell me that she had taken my advice and she was blown away by the results.

The upshot of what happened is that another hurtful exchange took place. Meg says my words came to her head and, in desperation, decided to take my advice. The employee grew very sad and told Meg that she had no idea she was being hurtful, she was very sorry and that she valued their relationship, and would be more considerate.

A couple of minutes later she came to Meg's office and said that when she behaved in this inappropriate way, that it was really about her own pain which she went on to share briefly, candidly, and appropriately. She also said this was not something been able to talk about much before and appreciated the opportunity.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the Healing Presence in action. I've been looking for a centerpiece for my talk, and I think it just got handed to me. Again, it's about vulnerability and, too some extent, surrender. When we make ourselves vulnerable we give other people permission to be vulnerable, a state necessary for healing.

When Meg shared that story with me, I told her that it made me feel that softness in my heart that allows me to experience compassion for this person I didn't even know. Meg responded that Yes! she felt softening in her heart in relationship to this person as well! That's exactly what it felt like!

You see, we were able to see the assistant's pain and understand what a wounded person she is. But it's about witnessing the pain; there was no attempt to resolve this woman's problem, nor was it necessary to share in or experience it. That's compassion. That's Healing Presence.