Love Letter to a Sangha

Dear Sangha,

Couldn't sleep this morning. I woke at something like 3:40 am. Sometimes I can read myself back to sleep, so I grabbed a copy of the Shambala Sun that was sitting near my bed.

I can't tell you the mental path that got me to this place, but I decided that chanting the three refuges would be a nice way to finish lulling myself to sleep. This chant (which is the only chant I know in Pali because it's ridiculously easy) essentially says that I take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha. What this means for me is that I can rest myself in the recognition of the existence of the Buddha, the wisdom he enumerates, and the community of others.

Different times have yielded different reactions to the recognition of these refuges. As with any nugget of wisdom, where I am and what I am in process with informs the insights that result from its examination.

I want you to know that you, sangha, were the thing that drew my attention. I was thinking about what a basket case I've been with you for the last few months and I've been feeling kind of bad about it. When I needed to work out some serious crap, I spread it all over your Rohatsu sesshin, making you all look for the "benefits" and "gifts" in my fidgety, emotionally volatile disruptiveness. When I started my constitutional homeopathic remedy, you got the day where my ability to govern my focus and communication abilities went so far off base that I felt like I had ADD, interrupting and acting distracted when you tried to tell me of your pain or your personal journey.

I want you to know that it's a compliment to you. It is, as it turns out, your own fault. You created a good, strong container that I was able to use as the crucible to burn away my most recent layers of pain. You made a place where I felt safe, allowing me to blow through some less than attractive processes.

I'm afraid that you may be stuck with me for a while. The best way I can think of to thank you is by helping to maintain that container for others, giving back as good as I got. Thanks for the refuge.

Never did get back to sleep.